There is a lot happening in my life right now. There are new ideas and projects I want to work on, a new job, old projects I am still working on and trying to find the courage to follow through with, new friendships, my children’s schedules, and of course now the holidays. My mind often works in a spiral with thoughts and ideas creatively dancing around one another in hopes of making a masterpiece. But more than ever I feel scattered and unfocused. As I have been processing my life as an educator and now becoming a business woman, I think about what is the most important to me. I would be lying if I didn’t say that I wanted success in my business, a few book contracts, and a center someday, but overall what I want are good relationships.
I have had a tendency in my life to dissociate. When life was chaotic or I couldn’t handle emotional stress, I would go to the clouds in my head. I would spend time in there ruminating a new place or reality that would be better than the one I was currently experiencing. I do that still, a little too much. As a parent, spouse, and a person creating a business, life can get taxing as so many of us are all familiar with. We live in a fast paced world with so many things crying out for our attention. It’s not hard to understand why it is hard to focus on one task at a time. I have been realizing that as I try and build a business and do all the things I want to do, I feel as though I am sprinting for the finish line (and I don’t run, I hate running). I am letting the connections slip through my fingers. This is not who I am.
I could be writing this as a reminder just for me, but I want to write it for all of you as well. We live in a time where there is so much happening. This can make us feel a bit batty and out of control. Yesterday, my daughter had one of those moments. She was overwhelmed with emotion from being overtired and because her little brother was being kind of a jerk. She unfortunately gets like me and allows emotion to build inside of her until she pops. We both have explosive tempers from time to time. I told her to get her shoes on and that she needed to come for a walk. This took convincing, but she eventually agreed.
She was really mad as we set upon our little jaunt. She kicked things, let out little yells, tried to even push me a bit, but eventually as we kept walking and I let her just be in her body, feeling her feelings, by the end she was leaning on me and even laughed. While her emotional outburst was annoying and unpleasant to be around, I allowed myself to be present with her instead of both of us being in our own clouds. If we don’t feel those feeling or allow ourselves to tend to them and each other, we can’t move forward.
During this holiday I encourage all of us to be here. I remind myself of that daily. Be in the moment even if it is unpleasant. Allow the yucky emotions to be felt and care for them in the process. Look around at the people in your presence. What is their body language? How can we be there for them?
After a long weekend, instead checking emails at night and trying to get ahead, I decided to just sit with my husband and watch TV. I will admit I also was looking at a magazine. I had a moment though when I glanced over and saw him sleeping and then his eyes flickering back awake. It made me laugh inside. He was so tired and I know that his favorite thing is seeing people fall asleep and then wake back up with a sudden jerk from their body. Sleeping in public is funny to him. I allowed myself to be present with him, which I am not doing as often, and in that time I saw and remembered what is endearing about him.
This is a season of waiting. We make it a season of doing and obtaining too many things. Let’s try and remember to be. Be here. Be in the moment. Remember to look for wonder and awe in one another. Relationships are why we are here. If we are too busy to work on them or be present to them, they will leave us. There will always be emails to answer and items to check off the list, but as we are learning daily, life is precious, we should remember to hold it in our hands with care, love, attentiveness, patience, curiosity, wonderment, and presence.